Halves

What is white that fits in Black
and white halves and Black smash?
I bet his hands would hold the stretch
I bet my body would shake, if pressed
I was full of sex and honesty
full of him and probably
he was kissing me with his actually
I fell in casually when he touched my arm

first 33, then 34 like repeats and 3 years of waiting
vacant hands and open wrists
and reaching out like pretty please and pretty dress
I would’ve fucked the sadness out of his mess
first number seven and then late on eleven
now we are separate corrections
individual constellations
as if I am to blame
as if I am all that’s left of the question
as if we aren’t the same

he with his pushing
me with my smooshing
I was ready and open
and crying when the cut drew
and it was deeper and louder
than most of my memories
or our separate parts
or our combined formative stuff
spilling closer and splitting both of us
I had no choice but to bleed him

now you can look straight through, it’s open and clean
I am in the back, hoping
eyes drowning in wine
drinking the soaked in
but you can’t come with actually
I sat there trying to deep throat probably
on top and inside of maybe
and I still couldn’t taste the honesty
I would like to go back to eleven
maybe I manifested the wrong seven
I begged for a solution
now in the aftermath, I am still learning
he left me red and wet
but in honesty, I’m mostly burning

after all of the panic, I went back for his eyes
like please blink me in or at least blur me out
I came late but it was too early
too much for 33 then 34 or 7 that turned into 11
I am no good at math or depth perception
but he was as wide as I was asking for
and I was ready to fuck the whole of him
wading at the shore near the rim of him
asking to love the parts that hurt up against his him

he asked about the thing I was looking for
and I said “deep deep love and childhood reimagined”
I said the last 3 years and my whole heart healed
or true raw with abandon
I said sex like long eye lashes
truth like our number 7
but I meant September
I meant the entire depth of him.

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