JKLM (I wrote you this letter)

Audio version

i.

You will sit and you will wait for his hair
  to be under your fingers
     you will wait until he has no hair left 
       and your hair is breaking too

you will climb into bed
    with his lips inside your thighs
and realize he is not real
and neither are you

you will dream of his voice
 with your hands between your legs
            you will feel the length of him
                          every time you swallow

your body will shake
    whenever his mouth opens 
your legs will become rubbery
             every time he says words 

you will climb out of your body for him
  your parts will turn into pieces
  you will locate your skull
                hanging out of your automatic skin

you will stare at the dressing
 around your bones
     lay next to it on the floor          
        because you cannot lay with him

you will hold your corpse above him
 where his hair used to be

ask how many times you will die for men
  who go on living
ask if he'd be willing to die for you

ii.

and if he says yes
you will be born again between his legs

if he says yes
you will draw him a new childhood
with what's left of your hands 

if he says yes
you will praise the love he was before he came into this life

if he says yes
you will find yourself flat between his fingers
open and buzzing

you will give up your ghost

you will apologize/
  to all of your collective trauma
   forgive both your parents
    you will hold him up
     with your left and right sides

he will reattach your fingers
 he will bury his old self
  you will marry his new self/
   with your knowing of him

he will know you too
 he will remember you too
  his shed hair will grow back
   you will grow new finger nails

he will grow new arms for you
  you will grow babies like him

name them the first letter of his
   and your grandfather's name

you will lift up/
and let go of all your false starts
you will burn all their Dear John letters

his eyes will grab you in the face
  as if for the first time
he'll say he knew you at seven letters

he will weep at your speak
          he will live in your knees
            sing to you like your 21st birthday 
              hold your hand on Lenox Avenue
                 then recreate you in a rap song
                   and make you the hook

and for the first time, you will have a body
for the first time, you will know your name
for the first time, you will be a woman

you will let him in with both hands and both legs and you will come quickly/
          
          as if, for the first time. 




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